Can I come back?

Today was a very busy day for me - started out great but turned into a very difficult one - my most difficult to date.

We got up early for a run because we were meeting our friends, Jason, Michele and Jonathan to go to Granada. They know of the best breakfast place in the area and wanted to take us - so we met up at 8:30 and went to Granada. Jason and Michele have this tiny, tiny car - and Scarlett, Lucie, Martita, Jonathan and myself all sat in the backseat - it was extremely tight quarters and the ride is a little over an hour long. Once we got there, the smell of waffles put a smile on all our faces and we proceeded to have an incredible breakfast! Blueberry waffles, banana pancakes, country sausage, bacon and the best coffee I have ever had. It was delicious!! We then attempted to work off some of the calories by walking the streets of Granada. It is really a beautiful town with lots of North Americans and Europeans. It was so nice to hear English being spoke everywhere we went - we stopped at a couple of hotels to check out the rooms and make some future plans. My husband is coming in 2 weeks for a short trip (3 days) and we are going to head straight for Granada and stay in a beautiful hotel to get away from Managua - I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!!

On our way home - Jason got pulled over by the police. This is a common occurrence and we sat in the car and pretended to not speak any Spanish (this has proven to be a good tactic - frustrate the police and they "may" let you go) - albeit, it didn't work out for us this time. They claimed that Jason had made an illegal turn - which was pretty amazing since we were on a road going straight for about 10 miles BEFORE we saw the police and another 20 miles AFTER!!! Corruption!!

When we got home - our cab driver, Norman was waiting for us - he was taking us to Mi Familia - we rushed to go to the bathroom - stretch our legs a little and the girls got a serious talk from me about where we were going and what it entailed. When we are at Mi Familia - it is so important for the girls to be well behaved - it is a stressful time - a time for me to convey our frustrations, learn about the next steps and get in the best favor we can to expedite the process. I explained this all to the girls and told them that we are here not for all the fun in the sun - trips to Granada or the orphanage but here for the adoption of Martita and these meetings were critical to make that happen.

We were seen immediately by Arly when we got there (which is a miracle in itself) - I left Scarlett, Lucie and Martita in the main lobby when Carlos (our interpreter), Arly and myself went into the back office to discuss our case. As I was explaining why we needed to be heard as soon as possible and was learning of when the consejo would meet - I could hear my children yelling and screaming from the lobby. They were not fighting but playing. After I explained how important it was for them to be quiet and well behaved. I just wanted to cry. Then Arly told me that the consejo was postponed until July 3rd and I about lost it.

I kept a smile on my face - thanked Arly for his time and asked him to please keep us in consideration during the process. We had a meeting immediately following with our lawyer Nubia - when I saw the girls, I just frowned at them and said "you are all in so much trouble". We met Nubia outside the office and she proceeded to explain all the potential issues that may come up and delay our case even longer. There may be problems with the birth certificate - there may be another delay in the consejo....I didn't really know how to respond except to say that we have done EVERYTHING they have asked us, when they have asked us and that we deserve to be a priority case at this point.

On the way home, I kept thinking how frustrated I am - how angry I am - but knew I had to keep it together. I explained to Norman our situation and all he could say was how sorry he was for our troubles.

Martita was sent to her room as soon as we got home and I asked the two older girls to decide what they felt was the best punishment for them. I made dinner, cleaned the house and got ready for our trip to the orphanage tomorrow. Then I skyped my husband and that's when I lost it. I explained the day and just cried and cried. I told him how frustrated I am - how I have no control over the adoption process - how our lawyer is so falling short of her responsibilities and how our children were completely misbehaving. I told him that I'm done and I want to come home. Tim talked to the girls directly and reinforced everything I had told him - he is such a great parent and parnter.

I am so afraid to let my guard down and to cry. I am so afraid that I won't be able to come back from it. I won't be able to rise above again and be positive. It really scares me. I try so hard to be strong - to be the best Mom I can and I am really done with all of it right now. I don't care that the government here sucks, that the process is ridiculous or that it's someone else's fault...I just want to go home with my family.

In the middle of my breakdown - I told my husband that the final straw tonight was when I went to kill an ant in the kitchen when I was cooking dinner - the little shit actually flew at me!! Ants that fly....you cannot be serious!!! I'm afraid to ask "what else can happen?"

We still have such a long road ahead of us and I am hitting the wall. I don't want to do it anymore - I know I have to and that I have no option but to stick it out - but it sucks!! I know someday I will look back at this experience and only remember the good times....that the difficult times will make me a stronger person...but being in the middle of it - nothing looks bright now. I don't know how much more I take....and if another issue comes up - what will I do?

I'm sorry to be such a downer, but I am feeling very lonesome and lost right now. I've already had two glasses of wine and peanut M&M's...what more can I indulge in? I will have a good nights sleep and everything will look brighter in the morning, right? We are going to the orphanage and then we are all getting on a bus and going to the beach. I think that's exactly what I need, a fix with all my kids - they always give me strength.

Here's to a better and brighter tomorrow and to me coming back to myself!!